Discernment Counseling Resources
E V E N S O N G | Discernment Counseling Resources
Clarity and Confidence
For Couples on the Brink of Divorce
Welcome to Discernment Counseling Resources – I am glad you are here. My name is Krista Sisterhen and I own a private practice counseling, coaching and consulting practice called Evensong. I am passionate about helping couples when the future of their marriage is uncertain through a specialized, short-term approach called Discernment Counseling. Whether you are here seeking assistance for your own relationship or looking to help someone else, I hope you will find valuable information on this site.
If your marriage is on the brink of divorce, you will learn more about this innovative approach and determine if it is right for you and your spouse. Whether you are leaning out of your marriage but not sure if divorce is the right decision or if you are leaning in to restore the marriage, you will find information here to help you take the next step. I want to provide you with skilled and compassionate assistance as you move toward clarity and confidence at this critical time in your life.
If you are a professional who serves couples or individuals contemplating divorce, you will find resources to help equip and encourage you. Therapists, clergy or and divorce professionals have profoundly important roles in the lives of couples at a crossroad. On this site, you will learn more about the goals and process of Discernment Counseling, identify when it might be a good approach for couples you serve. You will also find access to free training to help you strengthen your skills when working with mixed-agenda couples. I want to be a trusted referral source for you and a resource for professional consultation and customized training on Discernment Counseling.
What is
Discernment Counseling?
If you or your partner are contemplating divorce but haven’t made a final decision, Discernment Counseling is designed to help. It provides an opportunity to pause, reflect, and better understand what has brought your relationship to this point, while exploring possible paths forward.
This type of counseling is especially useful for couples where one person is uncertain about continuing the marriage, while the other is more invested in trying to make it work.
The aim isn’t to resolve all of your marital issues but to determine whether they can be worked through. Both partners will receive support and understanding, no matter where they currently stand regarding the future of the relationship—there are no villains or heroes here.
If Discernment Counseling does not seem like a good fit for you right now, please explore the other counseling services I provide:
Leaning In
You want to rebuild the marriage and are focused on saving the relationship. Discernment Counseling helps you manage your emotions and approach your partner with empathy, without pressuring or pulling away.
Founder of Discernment Counseling Bill Doherty, PhD.
Leaning Out
You’re unsure about the future of your marriage. Discernment Counseling helps you reflect on your role in the relationship’s challenges and whether you want to work on these within the current marriage or pursue another path.
Are you a professional looking to obtain Discernment Counseling Training? Click Here!
Leaning In VS Leaning Out
Leaning In Spouses
You may be on this page because your spouse has put divorce on the table or even started the divorce process.
Since the time you were hit with this possibility, you may have gone through a wide range of emotions such anger, denial, fear, and sadness. You may be trying to change your spouses’ mind, or you may be distancing yourself and hoping for the best.
In other words, this has been a very tough time, and we’d like to help.
As a trained Discernment Counselor, I will honor your desire to save your marriage and will help you bring best self to this crisis. You can’t directly change your spouse’s mind about working on the marriage, but you can ask if your spouse will consider doing discernment counseling with you—not to fix the marriage but to see if it is fixable.
Encourage your spouse to read the information on this website for "leaning out" partners and ask them to consider meeting with me. Additional information for leaning in and leaning out spouses is available at DiscernmentCousnelors.com.
Leaning Out Spouses
You may be on this page because you found it yourself or because your spouse asked you to come here.
You’ve probably told your husband or wife that you are deeply unhappy in your marriage, and you may have brought up divorce. This is hard time, one you never thought would come to pass the day you got married.
But you’ve not started the divorce process yet, or if you have started, you’re not certain it’s the right step. That’s why I suggest you consider Discernment Counseling to help you make the best decision about the future of your marriage.
Are you talking with friends or family members about your decision? They may be taking sides: saying either that you should move on from your marriage now or that you should keep trying to make it work. It’s hard to know where to get an objective perspective. That’s something I can give you.
Your spouse may be making things worse by reacting strongly to your feelings about ending the marriage. This is normal—most of us are not our best selves when feeling threatened with such a loss. But their reactions—anger, sadness, clinging, promising to totally change—may tempt you to give up on the marriage prematurely in order to escape the current turmoil and stress. Discernment Counseling calms these waters and gives each of you a voice about your distress and your hopes.
Here’s what Discernment Counseling offers you:
More clarity and confidence in a decision about the future of your marriage
More understanding of what has happened to your marriage and the part each of you has played in the problems
A set of learnings that you can carry with you into future relationships if you end this one, and a better chance to be good co-parents if you have children.
Surveys find that up to 40% of divorced people have regrets about their divorce decision, often because they feel they (and their partner) did not try hard enough to see make the marriage work. Are there rocks not turned over and looked under in your marriage, thoughts and feelings not expressed, mistakes not acknowledged, help not sought?
In this brief counseling service (a maximum of five session, and often briefer), you will be supported, honored for where you are, and asked to look at what you would need to change in yourself to have a healthy relationship —whether in this marriage or in a future one. You can’t divorce yourself.
Couples who go through Discernment Counseling most often come out the other end more settled and confident about their next steps, whether to make one, last, all-out effort in couples therapy to restore their marriage to health, or to move forward with divorce. Research shows that about half of couples choose the reconciliation path in couples therapy, and most of the other half proceed directly to divorce after having carefully considered their options. Divorce lawyers tell us these couples are calmer and the divorce process is smoother because of the work done in discernment counseling.
We hope you consider this new service for couples like you, on the brink. You may end up with a realistic plan to restore your marriage to health. Or you may end up with a decision to divorce that you will be less likely to regret in years to come, and with learnings about yourself that you can carry with you into new relationships.
A Path to Clarity
I offer you a compassionate space to decide if your marital challenges are resolvable.
The goal is not to fix the marriage right away, but to help you both understand whether it can be restored.
I will meet with you as a couple, but the real work happens in one-on-one conversations as each of you are starting from different places. I will help you gain a better understanding of what has happened in the marriage and your role in the relationship.
The counseling journey typically consists of one to five sessions, with the first session lasting two hours. During the initial session, I will meet with both of you together and ask you to respond to several questions before we meet individually. Subsequent sessions delve deeper into individual reflections, with each partner having dedicated time for introspection and sharing insights.
Throughout the sessions, expect to explore various facets of your relationship, including its history, individual contributions to challenges, and potential paths forward. Unlike traditional couples therapy, Discernment Counseling focuses on providing clarity and understanding rather than immediate resolution. It's a journey of self-discovery and mutual exploration.
As the sessions progress, you'll gradually work towards a decision regarding the future of your relationship. Whether committing to reconciliation, pursuing an amicable separation, or embarking on further couples therapy alternatives, the goal is to reach a point of clarity and confidence in your chosen path.
Remember, regardless of your chosen path, Discernment Counseling offers a valuable opportunity for growth, understanding, and informed decision-making. Embrace the journey, and may it lead you toward a future filled with clarity and fulfillment in your relationships.
No Matter Your Path,
You Deserve Clarity
I respect your reasons for divorce and I am here to help you explore whether restoring your marriage is possible. In every session, my goal is to help you both see your own contributions to the issues at hand and find the best path forward for each of you.
Ready to Find
Your Path Forward?
I am here to guide you through this difficult time. Whether you're leaning towards divorce, considering reconciliation, or just need more clarity, I can help you explore your options and make decisions with confidence.
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